Writing

My friend Zanne wrote this post recently.  I sat there reading her blog when these two paragraphs jumped out at me. 

“but the truth is–i more often think about writing than i actually write. way more often.  i’ve written three-quarters of an essay/article that might actually be good enough to publish–maybe–but i haven’t finished–because i’m still thinking about it. i have a poem that i’ve been working on, as i put it,  for a year.  i think. and there’s the afore-mentioned book, which right now would qualify more as scraps.

and this blog–well, let’s face it.  i certainly post much less frequently than any of us–you or i–at least i hope; if not, please don’t destroy my illusions;  i’ll be crushed! would like.  however, it might seem more frequent to me because there are quite a few posts you’ve never read that are brilliant–brilliant, i tell you–but they’ve never gotten out of my head. but i’ve thought about them. thought about writing them. a lot.”

Me too!  Me too!  For every post I write there’s at least 5 or 6 more floating around in my brain.  Some of them are just snippets, some are long monologues.  A few make it into future posts but most just linger in my thoughts.  I started thinking about why I don’t post more often.  Sometimes I think I’m just too lazy or I tell myself I’ll do it later and later never comes.  Other times I think I’m afraid to really write down what goes on in my head for fear that other people will judge me.  And then there are other times that I think no one would be interested in my brilliant thoughts (because, yes, they are brilliant) or the last conversation with my kiddos. 

So then why do the posts I write get written?  Because I’m bored.  Because I want to share what my kids did that made me laugh.  Because I want to connect with my friends.  Because I want to record my life for my kids to read some day.  Because I’m in the mood to write.  Because I want to know that I’m not alone in my thoughts.

And then there’s this other blog.  The one that I use more as a diary for therapy.  Long ago it started out as my first blog but it quickly became very personal and was – is – a venue for me to think things out.  Why do I even mention it?  It contains my best writing.  I know I don’t have an audience so I am free to write.  I hope that some day when it isn’t all so close to my heart I can share it and hopefully someone that reads it will say “I’m not alone.”

What goes around, comes around

Since my husband and I have been married we’ve had a total of eleven cars over ten years (eleven if you count dating).  Three of those cars we were fortunate enough to be able to give to friends; one to a stay-at-home mom with no vehicle of her own, one to a family of four with no vehicle at all, and one to a newlywed couple that needed to upgrade from a 2 seater to a 4 seater.  I loved being able to bless other families in need. 

Of those eleven cars I think the most we had at one time was five – granted not all five were running at the time.  Now we’re down to one running vehicle and one that we just like to tow around the country because it looks pretty sitting in our driveway.  Ahem.  We’re a one vehicle family.  I used to wonder how families could survive with only one car.  Now I know.  You make sacrifices.  You stay home.  You plan your days, your routes.  You coordinate your schedules.  It’s been an adjustment but we’ve made do.

There are several used car lots on the main drag.  They have some great deals on cars and it’s so tempting to just swing by to take a look.  So tempting to get a loan.  So tempting to have the freedom that a second car would afford.  That freedom would come with a monthly ball and chain though.  We’ve managed this far – we’ll keep on managing.

Today I was watching my friends’ preschooler while they both went to doctor’s appointments.  When they came back to pick up their son they told us that wanted to bless us with a second vehicle.  It’s nothing fancy, nothing pretty but it runs and we can have it on Tuesday.  Wow.  It’s so humbling to be on this side of generousity.

I am continuously reminded that God provides.  Just now I am making the connection – this past Wednesday night I was teaching the kids Philippians 4:19 – that God provides all our needs according to His glory.  Wow. 
I am humbled. 
I am greatful. 
I am blessed.

21!!! 21!!! 21!!!

Today is a testament to God’s healing and grace.  Less than three years ago my niece was diagnosed with subcutaneous panniculitus t-cell lymphoma.  All the odds were against her.  It’s a rare cancer – less than 50 cases in the United States.  Most documented cases were elderly people and most of them died.  The doctors decided on an aggresive treatment plan and she began chemo and then radiation.  It’s been more than a year since her last treatment and the check-ups, every three months, have continued to declare her cancer free.

She’s working hard to move past that time in her life.  She studies hard in school to catch up on the semesters she lost while sick.  After moving past her fear of hospitals she’s once again working toward a medical degree.  She spent a lot of time working with the Lymphoma Society of Phoenix – writing articles for their newsletter and talking with other, young women going through the battle with lymphoma.  She’s lost friends and had to struggle with the grief. 

Today it’s hard not to think of that battle in her life.  Especially when, at that time, we didn’t know if today would ever come for her.  Today is her 21st birthday!  It’s a time to celebrate, not only this traditional milestone, but her life! 

Happy Birthday Chicken!!  I love you!!
 (sisters; Nikki, Alicia)

 

Can I go home now?

It’s rainy and grey today.  I love the rain – the sounds, the smells.  It always puts me in a mellow, reflective mood.  Today I received several emails from friends and a note in the mail from a dear friend.  What a spot of sunshine on a dreary day!

(WARNING:  Whining ahead.)  I miss you my friends!  I don’t want to be back in Arizona but I want to be back with you.  My friend cup is on Empty.  Boo.

Lately I feel like my groove is off.  Have you had days (weeks) like that?  I think it’s because my hubby is working days now.  It’s thrown the whole family for a loop and I’m still dizzy.  And I think I’m depressed.  That’s hard for me to admit because I feel like somehow that makes me ungrateful for God’s blessings or that I’m spiteful of His will in my life or that I should always be content.  And I’m not any of those.  I know, I know… “there is a season for everything” and “this too shall pass” and “that sucks and I’m sorry it’s happening to you”.  Yeah, well.  Boo.

There’s a part of me that can stretch above this funk and glimpse a bit of the bigger picture.  I know how much I’ve grown because of this move and it’s made me a better person – a better reflection of the Maker.  I know that this discontentedness (is that a word?) and uneasiness is causing me to look inward and see things that need to change. 

Huh.  Refiner’s fire…  Amazing what revelations are made when you think (type) aloud.  I feel that I am in the refiner’s fire right now.  It’s not comfortable or fun but it’s necesary in order to burn off the impurities.  That knowledge gives me hope and peace.  I know my Maker’s eyes are on me and I know that I will become more pure when it’s over.  I need to go mull this over – preferably with some coffee and chocolate and a view of the falling rain.

[Note:  I was half tempted to delete this entry and re-type it in a more cohesive manner.  I decided to leave it as a testimony to my thought process and God’s revelation in my life.] 

Feels like home

This is going to be short… I’m cutting into my cuddle-with-the-hubby time.

The church meet ‘n’ greet tonight went well.  It was a small crowd and they were all pretty laid back – although there was one fiesty little grandma present.  She was great!  Anyway.  I think that the things I shared about myself and my vision for Children’s Ministry were well received.  Everyone seemed eager to get some new programming in place and to volunteer to help make those visions a reality.

Afterwards my hubby and I were talking and he told me he feels comfortable there now.  I do too.  It’s starting to feel like it’s home. 

Woot, woot

I have *Officially* been unofficially offered the job!  Basically they extended an invitation to the position and this Sunday they will announce the proposal to the congregation with a meet ‘n’ greet Sunday evening.  The following Sunday the members of the church will vote and then it will be Official.

Update and such

I’m sitting here, near tears, in complete awe of our God.  I sat down to blog and knew what topics I wanted to cover.  No sooner did I sit down then I received visitors at the door.  And what’s playing on Pandora right now?  Passion’s “You Never Let Go”.  Let me back up…

It is good

It seems that the Zicam is holding the cold right at the brink.  If this is as bad as it gets – I’m okay with that.  Apparently the Zicam has done nothing for my brain though.  I cracked up laughing at all of your comments!  Zanne – um, I meant to say the car would get good gas mileage if it was running.  But it did make for a good joke!  Matt – chicken noodle soup is muy bueno.  Just don’t tell the chickens.  Jaime – two weeks sounds about right…

My Staff – another notch

They really ought to warn you when you give birth that from that point forward your heart will be ripped out of your chest and placed on this tiny baby – wandering around, unprotected.  Because, really, that’s how it feels.

Another notch in my staff

Many of you that know me will be shocked to learn that I am actually a very shy person.  Hard to believe, I know.  I am extremely uncomfortable in a roomful of people that I don’t know very well.  The first day of classes each semester of college was horrifying to me.  It took several attempts to get me to attend the church that became my home.  I would venture to say that it’s actually beyond being shy – more like physical anxiety.  We could delve into the reasons why this occurs but I’ve already got a pretty good handle on the WHY of it.  I only share this bit of information about me in order to give some background on this story.

In my early years of high school I had some friends that were of dubious upbringing.  My mother saw fit to remove me from my high school and enroll me in a private Christian school.  One of the required classes each year was Bible class.  My Bible teacher my Junior year was also the school’s choir/music teacher.  She was a jolly lady and a lot of fun to be around.  Sometime during the spring she passed out a brochure about mission trips for teens.  I don’t know that anyone in class gave it a second look but I took mine home and poured over the contents.  At dinner I showed it to my mother and asked her if I could go on one of the trips.  She left it up to my father, whom she thought would tell me no.  He didn’t, he was all for it.  I found out years later that the only reason my parents let me go was because this was so out of the norm for me… requesting to leave my friends and family and go halfway around the world with a group of people I didn’t know for the entire summer.

I went on that trip and went on to learn many things about God, Scripture, evangalism, construction work, witnessing, and most of all – I learned that it’s okay to be terrified of being in a new place with new people because I’m not alone.

***************************************************************************************************

I’d like to take a quick moment and explain this category that I’m calling My Staff.  I’ll give the Reader’s Digest version of what my dear friend explained to me.  Remember Moses – the burning bush, Mr. Let My People Go, parting of the Red Sea, holding up his staff… yeah, that Moses.  This staff of his wasn’t just a nice walking stick.  Back in the day, they would carve details of “God moments” in their lives onto their staff as a visual reminder of the things that God had done in their lives.  So when moment of doubt or uncertainty crept in they could look at it and be reminded and be strong in their faith. 

That’s what this is, My Staff.  In no particular order, these are moments in my life that I can see very clearly what God has done in my life.  When I’m friendsick and missing my home church and wondering if I’m going to be okay way over here on the East coast all I have to do is look back at moments like the one I just shared.  Then I know I’m going to be just fine.  I’m not alone.