I want to remember

Once our kids grew beyond their toddler years we essentially kicked them out of our bed.  We never really had a ‘family’ bed to begin with but we would snuggle with them and occasionally let them pass out and be carried to their own bed.  But once they started to grow up we reserved our bed for just us – me and my hubby.  I still snuggle my kids but we’re either on the couch or in their bed.  If a child wakes up with an ailment I steer them back to their bed and comfort them there.

But last night I let Beans climb under the covers and snuggle up next to me.  She’s long and lean like a string bean and so when I wrapped myself around her she filled the length of me.  Her feet lay on top of mine, her back curved into my belly, her neck and cheek right by my face – allowing me to breathe her in, my arm wrapped over her and holding on to her.

It was really hard not to go to a dark place.  I’m already emotional with The Boy’s 1 year MRI coming up next week and the Bean having had her first migraine… Holding her in bed last night it was hard not worry about what might be in her future.  I wanted to stay wrapped around her and to protect her as any mother wants to do.

I felt her body relax and she slipped into sleep.  Little twitches confirmed she was out.  We roused her enough to get her tucked into her own bed.  When I climbed back into my bed the spot she had curled into was still warm.  I snuggled down and assured myself – she’s gonna be okay.

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