With everything going on with my marriage at that time I was cutting regularly. We started counseling and I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. It was a lot of talk therapy that did help my husband and I move past what had happened but it did nothing for my anxiety.
Any time I experienced stress or confusion or uncertainty the desire to cut was there. I did pretty good suppressing it but shoving down deep is not a fix. It’s a giant time bomb.
I was still experiencing panic attacks and severe anxiety. I had no idea what was going on. I was afraid that I was going crazy. At times I wanted to slam my head onto a hard surface over and over. The anxiety was there… what if I did that? I’d be crazy! Other times I just wanted to get into my car and drive away and disappear. I’d be crazy! Stuff it down, suck it up, pull up the boot straps, survive the day, hang in there until the weekend. These are some of things I told myself to keep the outside smiling while the inside was falling apart.
This was my normal. I was afraid to tell anyone. What if they took my kids? What if they didn’t believe me? What if I really was crazy? What if they couldn’t help?
I started doing wild things and taking risks. After all, I was crazy right?
I tried running away from it. Hiding it. Ignoring it. Denying it.