How I Ended up in a Psych Ward Part 1

Now this is the story all about how
My life got flipped, turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there

Will Smith’s words seemed an appropriate introduction to my story.  I can’t point to an event in my life that flipped my world over.  My life growing up was just like any other child’s life.  But some time in my teen years I started to feel like I was going crazy.  Yes, I know… what teen doesn’t feel out of control.  So I don’t know how much to attribute to the hormones and how much to attribute to my mental illness.  I hated crowds, new situations, being singled out, feeling out of control.  There was black and there was white.  I didn’t want 20 friends, I wanted 1 or 2.  I didn’t know what a panic attack was, I just knew I felt out of control like I was going to go crazy, my pulse was racing, my chest hurt, I couldn’t stop crying.

It was in high school that I couldn’t hold it in any more.  I needed a way to let it out.  I discovered cutting.  At first it was small – like paper cuts on all of my fingers.  It took the edge off and put physical pain to the emotional/mental pain I was experiencing.

In college the pressure and stress grew.  I was in an unhealthy relationship with a boy.  My relationship with my parents was strained.  College was too full of stressors.  I started cutting my arms, legs, stomach, and chest.  Never deep cuts – I was too afraid of being “found out”.  Instead the cuts were like deep paper cuts.  Enough to draw a bead of blood.  Thousands of cuts until my legs were bright red or my arms were numb with pain.  The pain was so satisfying because it was a release.  If I was stressed the next day I could just press against the cuts and feel the physical pain again.

I met my husband when I was ending things with the unhealthy guy.  I had just cut my arms again but this time I didn’t want to keep it hidden.  I showed my not-yet-hubby my arms.  He was horrified that I would hurt myself and vowed to help me as best as he could.

It was years before I cut again.  I’m sure many of you that know my marriage history can figure out when the cutting started again.  This time I kept it hidden from him too.

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One response to “How I Ended up in a Psych Ward Part 1

  • intuitiveblogging

    it takes a lot of courage to share your story, but it’s so good that you do…there are a lot of people out there who are experiencing/feeling some of the same things. I hope things are better now for you or at least on the road to better.

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