Part of my struggle with depression is with my faith. Depression isn’t just feelings of sadness it’s also hopelessness. As Christians we’re taught “my hope is in Christ”. But if my hope is in Christ then how can I feel hopeless? What am I supposed to do with that?
[Complete tangent: I can remember standing in the lunch line in elementary school saying the word ‘milk’ over and over and over again until it started to sound funny. Have you ever done that? Said a word enough times that it just sounds funny? Yeah, that just happened to me with the word ‘hope’.]
I start to believe that whisper in my ear that my faith isn’t strong enough, that I don’t have true faith. Then I hear a stronger voice that says I only need to have faith as big as a mustard seed. That is what I cling to when my emotions swell and fall and swell again. That is what I cling to when it’s the dark hours of the early morning and I lay in bed too stressed to sleep. That is what I cling to when my kids are just being kids but my temper is boiling anyway. That is what I cling to when I hear my hubby get turned down by a job. That is what I cling to when I feel I have nothing left.
It’s not that I don’t have faith – it’s because I have faith – even a tiny seed sized faith – that I can get up and face each day. That’s why I want to get help so I can have someone point me to the Hope when I feel like I have lost it.
**Another snapshot. This one is slightly photo shopped. I lightened the exposure because the real snapshot is darker inside. But it’s close – it’s what I’m working towards.