The thing about writing a blog is that it’s easy to hide behind. I read another blog this morning that talked about blog posts being snapshots and she’s so dead on right about that. These posts are the snapshots that I want to share. I get to control what little bits of my life to share. The funny bits or heartfelt bits. If I even share any challenging bits they’re photo shopped to be a bit fuzzy and not quite so sharp. I’ve tried to keep this blog light in tone and I use my other blog for the heavy things. But why? I’ve been asking myself that. Why am I not willing to share the deep parts… the hard parts? Am I afraid I will be judged? If I let it all hang out will people walk away? And the big question… Why do I care? Right? I mean, I’m supposed to be living my life for a judge of One. What does it matter what my friends think? Yeah, we might say that on the outside but inside we are all afraid of being judged and hurt by our friends. But in my experience, every time I’ve let it all hang out my friendships deepened and my faith grew. You would think that would make it easier to be more transparent – and sometimes it does – but overall I’m still as guarded as ever.
Today I’m challenging myself to step outside of my comfort zone – to let down the walls a bit. I’m going to try to leave this snapshot raw and not edit it.
I’m struggling with depression. Serious, deep, scary depression. It was really hard for me to admit that to my husband. Which, in hindsight, was ridiculous. He could already see that. I still can’t sit down and talk to him about what goes through my head. I don’t know why. With his encouragement though I was able to go to my doctor. The first step was getting some medication. Not quite a week into it I’m dealing with the side effects – restlessness, excessive yawning, fatigue. But I’m promised that those will go away. I can feel that it’s taken the edge off but it will take a few more weeks to really get down to business. The next step is to call and set up a counseling appointment. This is where I’m stuttering. I get out the slip of paper and stare at the number. I’ve looked up their website. But actually dialing the number? Haven’t gotten that far. I don’t know what I’m waiting for – what’s making me hesitate. I’ve been to counseling before and I know how beneficial it is.
That’s the snapshot. Kind of a wide angled vague backdrop of what’s going on in my life right now. Perhaps next time I can share a macro snapshot – something up close and personal.