I frequently use this blog to document things about my children or record special events or to sort out my thoughts. Not every post I write gets published. Sometimes they get deleted right away or they sit in drafts for awhile – or a long time. Writing is more about the process – getting it out where I can see it. I’m trying to push myself to post more of what I write. I appreciate the feedback and support I get from y’all but there’s always that little voice saying “What if they think you’re crazy??” Ha. So far I know everyone that comments and you already know I’m crazy! What do I have to lose??
Having said that. Here’s one of those posts that have been rattling around in my head for awhile.
We’re moving. To Phoenix. In June.
I’ll let you recover for a moment. And then you can ask me why.
About four years ago my hubby and I started talking about moving. Through many conversations and a lot of prayer we felt that we were being called to move out of state. More prayer and research led us to Lynchburg, VA. We took a trip out there and fell in love. It took about two years to finally move and then it was to Roanoke (about 45-60 minutes west of Lynchburg) where my hubby could transfer his job.
This June will be 2 years that we’ve lived here. I can’t say that I’ve loved every minute of it but I have grown, changed and learned from our life out here. It’s been amazing watching my children experience their life here.
Here’s where it gets kind of muddled. Why are we moving then? I don’t know that I can pinpoint any one answer or any one moment that pointed me back. It’s been little things building up over time. The time that my niece had the scare and thought her cancer was back – it was hard to be so far away and I missed spending time with her. I have only seen her briefly in the two years we’ve been gone. Seeing my mother get off an airplane in a wheelchair – that was hard to see. Having both of my parents age and taking life slower… knowing that tomorrow isn’t promised… And of course, there’s winter here. It’s not a true heavy winter but it’s cold and dreary. I wasn’t prepared for the depression. I love the rain – I’m from Phoenix!! ha ha But day after day of rain or grey or wind wore on my mind. It was an effort some days to get out of bed. That’s been hard to admit – the depression. It’s been difficult to make friends. There’s something about women in the south… Everyone is charming on the surface but to get beyond that surface is not easy – doesn’t help that I am reserved too. I have made some girlfriends here that will be hard to leave.
The timing has just fallen into place. The tail end of this winter I was struggling with my desire to move back and my desire to want to be obedient. Follow that? I wanted to want to be obedient and I felt guilty for wanting something other than what I believed He had in store for me. It took me awhile to just pray about it. He already knew the desires of my heart – I just needed to voice them. When we left Phoenix two years ago my hubby said he would never move back. In fact, he’s only been back once (and only then because I said he had to). I knew that if we were to move back it would take God moving in my hubby’s heart. I was shocked when he came to me and said that we could move back. That’s been one of the biggest confirmations. My hubby’s work is opening a bunch of new positions this June which helps his transfer back – with possibilities of a promotion. Another confirmation. Work in children’s ministry is never completed but many things are winding down or have been put in place. There are some changes coming but this is the lull right now. This is a good time to change directors at the church. Another confirmation. We live paycheck to paycheck and we were trying to figure out how we were going to afford the move. The money is in the bank. Another confirmation.
All of these confirmations and yet I feel like I’m sitting here with my fingers in my ears saying “La la la la la I can’t hear you Lord la la la.” I’m afraid that He’s going to say, “No, you need to stay here.” Why? Why do I not trust Him? Especially when He’s been so gracious with the confirmations? It’s irrational. This too has been difficult to admit. The move here was huge and our time here has been life changing. God was in all of it. Why then can’t I put my trust in Him? That really isn’t quite it – I trust Him to move us back. It’s the ‘why’ that I’m having a hard time dealing with. Why is He letting us go back when it was so clear that He sent us out here?
As I sat here formulating those last few sentences it hit me. It’s because He loves me. I still struggle with accepting His love. Why does He respond in love to my selfish heart’s desire? I don’t know. Oh my head knows – I know that He created me, loves me, died for me. I know that. But my heart struggles with that – struggles with just how much He loves me. It’s something He’s working on with me. And I suppose that the answer to why He’s letting us move back is tied in there with Him showing me how much He loves me. I need to chew on that for awhile…