Another brick in the wall

Over the last months I’ve torn down walls and rebuilt better, healthier boundaries for me and for my family.  Some of those boundaries are rock solid, others are still under construction.  Some have remained where they have been and some of them have been adjusted and re-adjusted. 

On more than one occassion I feel like I have stood behind a boundary while someone has been on the other side banging their head against it.  It hasn’t been easy watching those that I love adjust to the new boundaries.  They no longer get to eat my cake that for years I was so willing to offer up.  They’re used to me being a familiar shape and now I no longer fit in their mold and they’re puzzled and upset. 

Yesterday things were said, feelings were hurt, apologies were offered but mends were not made.  And now she’s gone. 

I don’t know how to apologize for doing what I needed to do.  I can’t explain the concept of a healthy boundary to someone I’ve been so co-dependent with for so long.  I want to shout “Look at me!  I am my own person.  I am not the mirror I thought I had to be.”

Hallmark needs to make a card that says “I’m sorry you’re hurt by my boundary.  Maybe it would help if you stopped running full tilt into it.”

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5 responses to “Another brick in the wall

  • Tracy

    It’s hard when you try to explain about boundaries and they don’t listen – it’s no fun when you know someone you love is hurting because they keep running into your boundaries – but in the long run – you will be better for it – and more importantly – you will not be passing the co-dependency on to your children. Good luck with everything.

  • zanne

    i’d buy that card. there’s a particular spring holiday for which i’d use it.

    EVERY SINGLE YEAR.

  • Dan

    “I don’t know how to apologize for doing what I needed to do.”

    You don’t.

    Oh, and you rock.

    -D

  • Mandie

    Andi, I admire your strength and sticking to your boundaries. I think it is amazing that you wont let anyone tear it down. You should be proud of your self. You are an awesome mother and wife and she will see that someday and she will be proud. She just has to see past her hurt first and that is her journey, not yours. Dont be sorry for sticking to it, be proud of yourself.

  • jaime

    ha ha…i like that card! we should start a line of co-dependancy cards. yeah!

    and i agree with dan. people apologise for things they shouldn’t have done. you shouldn’t apologise for this because its the healthy thing to do!

    love you!

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